Do as I say not as I do
Why is it I am sooo not good at listening to my own advice? I give advice freely and good advice too. And then I look at myself and I know I could do well with following the same advice myself. Do as I say not as I do seems to be a mantra of mine.I am a good friend and I listen well to what others say, yet I am totally crap at listening to myself. For thirty odd years I have ignored what my body and mind is trying to tell me - I just push it away. It feels like background noise making it harder for me to listen to what others have to say.
I have been thinking about this for some time now - ever since my little breakdown in August. (see? there I go again. Making my own problems smaller than they really are). It's been on my mind since I have some really good friends online that also have some problems - and they do the same thing. I have a friend who also always says "do as I say not as I do".
Why is it we do this? Why are we belitteling our own problems but when it comes to someone else you care a lot about you would do just about anything to help them. For a while I skipped sleep just to be with them because I knew that it would help them just to be distracted - to have some fun and to be with people they trust and know. I knew that skipping sleep wasn't good for me. Yet I did it. Night after night. And to keep me awake I would drink Red Bull and other energydrinks not to fall asleep. it was a vicious circle. I would drink more coffee at day to keep me awake at work, I would drink energy drinks in the evening to stay up late. Go to bed as late as 3 am just to get up again at 7. I would eat irregularly or not at all. And when I did eat I would eat food that was easy and fast to make. if it lacked in nutrition I didnt care. At all. Lack of sleep and poor nutrition combined with already being depressed was NOT a good combination.
And yet - on a daily basis I would tell my friend off for not eating, I would ask her "did you get any sleep this morning?" since she was not working I was hoping she slept while I was at work. I would be angry with her for not taking care of herself. I would be frustrated because she was not in a good place and because I couldn't do more for her. I even offered to spend my own much needed vacation to house sit for her and look after her animals so she could go on vacation to visit a friend in the states. I even checked flights and how to get there. I never did go - but the offer was sincerely meant and she knew it.
Eventually she was well enough to have a serious conversation with me and she was telling me off - virtually kicked my behind and was mad because we were and still on many levels are struggling with similar things and neither of us are good at looking after ourselves. So we made a kind of promise that we would check up on eachother and tell each other off if we weren't doing as we were told. If I wasn't online she would text me to check up on me. And I would do the same. We have a scale from 1-10 where 1 is totally crap and 10 is fantastic. And we would ask each other - where are you on the scale today? if either of us answered below 5 we would talk or do something to lighten the mood. We kept it going for about a month. now we haven't done that for about a month and I really miss it. It was so helpful in some way.
Now - I am still not well. I still beat myself up for just about anything. I have anxieties like I have never had before (that is - I had them but never payed attention to them), I am constantly in a melancholy mood. I have concentration problems and have problems doing all the things I should at work. I HAVE managed to change a couple of things though: I sleep normal hours now and I managed to quit drinking coffee and caffeinated soda alltogether. I haven't had Red Bull for over a month now. And am not tempted to start again.
I still manage to give my friends good advice, and I am still crap at following them myself. But the mantra I am trying to get my mind into now is "you can not fully help others without helping yourself"
posted by Nerdine @ 10:14 AM
Comments: 7
