The Puppet Master
"I am my own puppet master" she realized with a start. "So why don't I feel like I am in control?" She sits down on the bus. That is where she can think, that is where she is able to shut the world out, and just be.She is thinking about this morning - as so many mornings before she met her friend. It has become this ritual in a way. The friend was up late, later than usual. Almost 20 minutes. In those 20 minutes a lifetime passed. Or so it seemed. Her friend logs in, they talk, and the friend needs to leave. Same ritual every morning. The girl loves these mornings. Even if they also hurt a little sometimes. It is only too evident things have changed. She feels it in every fibre of her being. And yet she clings to the memory of the past. When the friend leaves, the girl feels strangely empty, like there's something missing. It is as if something crucial just happened. She can't pinpoint exactly what.
A tear falls down her cheek. She shakes her head, dry off the tear and pulls herself together. She needs to get ready for work. In the shower the feeling comes back. Does she shed another tear? She doesn't know. She only feels sad, and confused. On her way to the bus she is so deep in her own thoughts she bump into a stranger on the sidewalk. She doesn't even look back and say sorry - it's like she doesn't even sense the presence of others. Every now and then a thought of the surroundings pops in - "shall I buy some coffee at the coffee shop next to the bus stop? No - not tired, and I have promised myself only to drink coffee if I really need to stay up." or "red light. Have to wait" the thoughts are not conscious. She is more interested in analyzing herself - her feelings, her thoughts, why she seems to like to punish herself in this way, or why she feels this empty now. After all they did break up over two months ago.
At the bus the thought about the puppet master comes in. Suddenly she has this incredible need to write. "If I am the puppet master - how do I control it?" Then it dawns on her. The solution she has been avoiding for all costs for the past two months. "God - has it really been two months?"
"OK you have to make a choice, and you won't like any of the choices you have.
1. Stop seeing your friend altogether. Never see her again. Have a good cry, mourn the loss of her, and then get her out of your system. Know that she is happy, and be content with that.
2. Keep going the way you have - meet her on an almost daily basis, and have sad days every now and then when you get overwhelmed with what no longer is. Again - be content knowing she is happy even if you can not provide for her happiness."
With the thought of the first option her stomach clench and her eyes well up again. With the second option she relaxes a bit more, and remembers the friendship the relationship has evolved into.
The puppet master has pulled yet another string. The web is closing in. She can feel it. Something is happening, and the girl still does not understand what, why of how. But she can feel there's change in the air. Maybe she is one step closer to being in control, to find the inner puppet master. Maybe it is one step closer to complete acceptance, and understanding. Or maybe it is just a baby step on the path she has chosen. In the end - she can only follow one path, and she has to choose now. Which one will she learn most from? She does not know. She remembers in the very beginning - she had some of the same feeling then. Back then she decided to stick with it, to bury her worries, set her heart free. She never regretted that decision. Maybe that is what she has to do again. Just decide to let go of the worry, and just be - let the path unveil itself.
In the end she decides to let fate make the changes for her, to keep to the path she's started walking. She realizes there will be changes still, but changes are not always bad she decides. She will not sacrifice her friendship because of her own silliness. There are changes all around her. On all levels. She feels the need to retreat, to get control once again. And yet - she wants to be around friends and loved ones.
"Take one step at the time" she tells herself. "Stop for a moment. Breathe. Everything will eventually fall into place". She calms down a little, and lets the thoughts swirl around in her head. She recognizes their presence, but she will let them figure themselves out without meddling.
"Whatever happens will happen. I can choose to go with the flow - or I can try fighting it. I have that choice" she says to herself with a smile. "Bring on the changes. I am ready".
posted by Nerdine @ 1:49 PM
Comments: 22
